enigmaticallyxbeautiful

no.
don't do it.
it obviously wasn't in your heart until i said something.
i don't want you to simply do what i say, i simply want you to do whats best.
if you didn't decide for yourself that that option was best, or you didn't even think of that on your own to begin with, then you obviously don't think its of that much importance.

do what you will.
i'm getting so tired.
i'm getting so close to letting go.
i can't stand feeling like i'm second.
i should be first.
i believe we've reached the point where you should have realized its time to put me first.
everyone gets to that point.
they'll understand.
maybe not today...
but someday.

someday all will be well....

and no.
i don't know what it will do.
but at least they know how you feel.
they will know your sincerity and your commitment.
they will know nothing will change.
it probably won't change right away, but soon.
you'll have planted the thoughts they need to hear in their heads...

but don't do it.
you never really wanted to anyway...........

i wished the stars shined of your eyes
i would always be satisfied
never once wondering if your heart was still mine
always would i have your smile
the one comforting me in the dark of night

just look into the sky
and know i'm staring into the same moon
staring at the same star

_____________________________________________________

dreams cascading from your eyes
filling every pore with lost hope
who do you turn to for the pick-up?

when the world is all conformity and shared dreams
will you still let your creative mind flow?
will your oil paints still overflow to the canvas?

honesty and jealousy have become close friends
living on a thin line of danger and deceit
can you decipher what is real
and what is fantasy?

the painter won't paint
but he will replicate
the creative genius that was once anothers
greed and selfishness squash someone else's dreams

everything is going to be shared...
still want to dream now?

__________________________________

she holds him up high
like he owns the world
     and she has to worship him
he breaks her heart
     like she has no soul and is already dead

things always sound wonderful and awesome.
then something happens
and its like a dark cloud formed over your head
in less than a minute.

the cloud makes you think about whether or not
you are making the right decisions...
if what you're feeling is real...
or even what your hearing is the truth...
if you matter...

i'm not writing this cos i totally believe it all.
just thoughts in my head.
i'm willing to give up "comfort"
...the sure thing...
and yet, i'm still a secret...

serbia's just like we were even just a few years ago...


this is just like a genocide
we know how to make this better...

we said "no more" after wwii...
why aren't we stopping it...

its not that i don't love you.
and its not that i don't want to be near you.
i just can't be here anymore.

i feel like i could suffocate in the monotony of 
small town life.
i feel like i could be headed for a major 
break down.

i want to be free and finally completely on my own.
everything will be magic. 
don't  you worry.
we'll be fine.
we'll be perfect. 

we can be. 
forever.

 i just want to know everything will be ok.
that if i take that leap, 
that i won't fall way below rock bottom 
and never be able to get up
and that you will be there to catch me if i do.

i'm so scared of failing
but i'm even more afraid of not trying
of staying here and not being at all happy

just let me know you'll be there
in case i fail...

so....
you definately aren't the safest route
but i'm glad i'm taking the plunge.

after all,
every song i hear
makes me see your face...

 its amazing.
one person can walk into your life
and make you sit back and realize how
unhappy....
you really are.

it doesn't matter if you think your happy
or if there is absolutely nothing wrong with your life...

you just realize that the life you're living...
is not for you.

the problem lies in what to do next.
keep living the life you've realized doesn't make you happy...
or chase after some enigma that could make you happy beyond your dreams...

and the words spilling from one's fingertips 
can be oh so beautiful...
but you chase that...
they turn out to be just polished promised rusted out.

wow...
bad comparison...
but you get the point... 

Seemed to stop my breath
My head on your chest
Waiting to cave in
From the bottom of my...
Hear your voice again
Could we dim the sun
And wonder where we've been
Maybe you and me
So kiss me like you did
My heart stopped beating
Such a softer sin

(I'm melting, I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while

And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
Now

Never caught my breath
Every second I'm without you I'm a mess
Ever know each other
Trust these words are stones
why cuts aren't healing
Learning how to love

I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
(Stay with me lay with me now)

You could stay and watch me fall
And of course I'll ask for help
Just stay with me now
Take my hand
We could take our heads off
stay in bed just make love that's all
Just stay with me now

I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
and I'm melting

In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
and I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me lay with me
(Stay with me, lay with me)

In your eyes
Lets sleep till the sun burns out
I'm melting in your eyes (I'm melting in your eyes)
Let's leave till the sun burns out
I'm melting in your eyes

 

---man...the used sure know what to say...ha

 i can't believe how much of a guppy i am.
i just can't expect everyone to be as romantic as i.
i try so hard...
it just seems to bounce back at me off the walls...
like nothing was ever said.

he seemed so romantic before.
...just seeing things that i've seen before from that time period.
why is it i can't get any romance?

is it because we live together?
is it because i already have a baby?
is it because romance is a juvienile dream 
and i've just grown past that stage?

god i hope not.
i just want to come home to one thing...
one surprise...
not just the surprise of cable hooked up in the bedroom,
although convenient, not so romantic.
i didn't even get the 3 words ...happy valentines day...
on that greeting-card-company-invented holiday that falls on february 14th.
why....
a simple i love you...

well, i do get random i love yous...
or i used to...
their frequency has decreased...

maybe this whole rant is because i'm depressed...
maybe i just need to get the house together and relax and everything will be ok...
maybe....

 

it feels so right here...

laying next to him every night
waking to him waking/coming home from work
getting pissed off cos the basement is constantly wet (damn high water table...)
playing with elly
trying to get her to walk
walking the streets of our quiet little town...the place we now call home

home...
we have a home together.
and its amazing.

but then...
i can't pay for anything.
nothing.
not even bug spray for my kid
all my money goes to keeping me out of debtor's prison...
(if that's even a real thing)

i need a release.
something.
anything.

do i really need to say more?  

 i just finished watching sex & breakfast....
great movie. i suggest it highly...

while finishing the movie, i started thinking and reflecting...
which is, most of the time, a dangerous thing.

i am, by nature, a very insecure person.
whether that be by nature or nurture, its just how it is.

i get insecure about things and i just need some reassurance...
a sweet little note left on the bathroom mirror, so i'll find it when i wake...
a kiss on the forehead when we're in the middle of a crowded room...
taking my hand as we walk through a store...
being romantic while being "intimate"...
just saying what you really feel about me just out of the blue...

i do get the random "i love you" texts...
and i used to be told how i made you feel like a school boy...

do i still make you feel that way?

truth is...
you make my heart race and slow down all at once.
i STILL get butterflies when your name shows up on my caller id.
kissing you, even just  the slightest, gives me tingles beyond belief.
i STILL get giggly and smiley when i talk about  you or i hear someone mention you.
waking up next you is the ultimate rush and makes my day even sweeter than the last.
you make me feel like a schoolgirl, everyday...
since the day i met you...

i know i'm guilty, too.
i know i don't tell you these things.

but i'm telling you now.

i can't wait to share my life with you. 
i can't wait to start a family with you.

i don't need to be with you...
i want to.

i want to feel exactly as i did when i first started dating you...
when i'm 100.

do you? 

god bless...its been such a long time since i've posted. 

here i am....
a mommy of a beauiful one year old. ellyson. wow. what a year.
she has the greatest step in daddy ever.
he's perfect...
more perfect than anyone i've ever been with or thought of being with. how the heck did i get so lucky?

there is one problem...
and its not necessarily because of him...

i just never feel like i'm good enough.
no matter what i do, something is always wrong with it in someone's eyes. 
why can't i just do right?
the only one who thinks i'm perfect (bless her heart) is elly. 

she'll learn someday that my perfection is just all a lie... 

so i met a new boi. well, i didn't meet him. i work with him. he's cute, in his own odd way. i felt drawn to him since i met him. last night, we discussed music. flirted a lot. we like all the same bands and whatnot. he's just what i want. we went to his place after and cuddled and watched south park. he made me feel so comfortable. the urge to kiss him was immense, however, i was stronger than that. which is odd, cos usually i go in for the kill. i really like this boi. i must respect him more than usual. or i'm just too nervous to push him away. we met for lunch today. met at my park. he was playing guitar. i left mine at home, so we decided to go to joe's. ate lunch then went to bula's to play pool. he beat me. i'm horrible at pool. our conversation was surface convo, like family and political preference. then we went to his place. layed in bed and listened to music, closed our eyes and pretended to sleep. my mind raced. i thought about kissing him, but i was too scared. (again) convo was a bit deeper. i so want to be with him. i sent him a text asking if it'd be ok if i was his gf. no response yet. i really hope so. i need someone like him, someone to really treat me good. someone i can really be friends with before we are "lovers". (hate that term, but no other word worked there.) i feel so at ease with him, its so strange. he makes my heart beat so fast, but my breath is so steady. never before have i felt that with anyone. i don't know what else to say without being redundant. he's just so near-perfect. why can't more boiz be like him? bad news...he's leaving for omaha in june. no biggie, i guess. i'd drive there everyday if he asked me to.

emo poetry shizz that i wrote yesterday while sitting in verges with a creepy old man staring
Current mood: creative


i just want to see you here
and know that your heart is still mine

but your heart is gone
blew away in the wind
like the leaves in the park where we met

i hate that you left me like this
my heart left gasping for breath
as i continue to display it on my sleeve
hoping you'll come back
(even for pity sake)

focus on what you need to
i'd stand here waiting for you
-in a hurricane-
if you told me that's what you wanted me to do

i'm giving up the fight
i'm sick of trying so hard

you to end it now
to save me from heartache
...too...
...late...

you've already stuck me in the heart
with your military issue knife
and twisted it deeper

(i hope this makes you happy)

you came back cos we didn't end
things right the first time...

...are they now?

-----------------------------------------------

why don't you just listen?
i just want to grab you shoulders
and shake you
(til you get it)
i want to scream into your face
(til you get it)

you never get it--
you're too proud and too oblivious
and i'm too scared
(that i'd push you away)

so i'll sit back
and bide my time
(til you get it)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

the world's against me
you say
so what, says i
its against us all

let's just join together
i say
you wouldn't understand
says you
turning red in the face with frustration

oh but i do
you're looking for an
easy out
a way to lose me
in hopes to
not
break my heart
(so much)

here's to the cop-out
here's to the
cowardice you now display

(you're no hero)

---------------------------------------------------------

i need you here
like i need
air (in my lungs)
slowly
suffocating until i gasp
for that final breath
that is more painful and more
aggonizing
than any other breath
ever attempted

ok. so, HE was on today. says he hasn't thought of me or how he wants things between us to go. says he doesn't want to put me thru him being gone and unable to talk to me for four or so months. says he doesn't know if he can take it either. my question is, does he really love me like he said he did? i hate playing these games. says he might be outta state or outta the country. i don't care. we can make it. i know it. but whatever he wants. i'm so tired of being a doormat. goddammit. i just want to be loved like i love. is that too much to ask. is anyone capable of doing that?

i'm so tired of feeling like he's done with me. i try so hard to make things work. he doesn't call me. he doesn't answer when i call. i gave him everything and i get nothing. i don't know what he wants and it sux. i want someone to love me the way i love him. i want to feel like i'm someone special. i want HIM to love me. and maybe prom is an immature thing, but i am a senior in high school. i would very much like him to be there with me. and maybe he still can. but i made plans and i don't want to break them, but i'm almost scared this is the reason we're not talking, because he feels as though i don't want him there or whatever. i don't know. i love him. i want him. i hate all this. i feel like i'm losing control. jason's gone forever and now i'm losing eric. why me. why now. i feel so alone. i fucking hate all of this...

so grandpa is in the hospital with major pnuemonia. i'm really scared cos not only will i lose him, i'll lose grandma. just when we're all getting so close. i hate this. just when i start to love someone or get closer to someone, they get taken from me. its not fair. i'm so sick of all this shit! and eric's too far from me. i can't just run to the place that i feel most comfortable. i just want to fall into his arms and never worry about anything again. better yet, shoot me in between the eyes.

so if your religious, say a prayer for my grandparents and me.

if your not religious, just hope for the best.

i can't take anymore heartache. i have plenty the way it is.

on a good note, my new job is going great. i work valentino's now, if i didn't state that before. i had a lot of fun last night. it was kinda busy, but i think i'm getting the hang of it.

i think i lost my hearing. in music theory we're making our own steel drum out of an old oil barrel. there's only 3 pairs of "ears" as we call them. they're those big things to block out all the noise.

i feel like i'm losing more and more friends. it seems like everyday, someone else pulls away. i wish people would just be here for me. it would be so much easier. and "bob" seems to be pulling away more and more. i don't want him to. i want him to be here for me. and eric isn't answering his phone the last couple of days. i'm so drained. i'm surprised i have the tears to cry still.

this weekend was absolutely wonderful. i loved spending all that time with eric and his family. i love him so much. his family made me feel so at home there. how is it that i can walk in the door and 5 minutes later feel as though i've been there thousands of times before? i don't care. i'm so in love. he's the one.